We push and pull to make a decision. Do you settle for what is right in front of you because the grass may not be greener on the other side? Or is it truly greener but the means of making so are boundaries you’re not willing to cross? You’re not objective enough to completely distill down in the moment, typically. How do I know if I’m just settling or if I’m being wise in my decision to persevere through hard seasons to reap future reward? A little bit of this back and forth, push and pull, means that you’re taking the time and the energy to discern what is good from what is best. Too much thought can paralyze you. What happens when the cycle of wondering, what if, consumes you? You end up staying where you are, not by choice, but because you were too stuck to move.
But how does that happen?
There is a guy I’ve worked with for years; we’ll call him Frustrated Frank. He came into his leadership role with minimal people leader experience but had a drive to serve his team, and he did. He made improvements to their work, advocated for them in meetings, developed and mentored them, etcetera. All with minimal support from those intended to be doing the same for him. Eventually, as you might imagine, he started losing his drive to be great. Frank still wanted the best for his team. He still wanted to be great and had gained experience in doing so. However, his want could not fully power his drive anymore. Frank got burned out and frustrated. He couldn’t hold everything for himself, his team, and his leaders.
I know what you’re thinking. Being frustrated hardly makes Frank paralyzed. To that I say, keep your pants on we’re not there yet.
Frank thought, should I go somewhere else? Should I stay and work harder? Should I fix things? He sat, and stewed, and it got worse. Frank got stuck in that cycle of wondering if he should stay or go. He went from being frustrated at the lack of support to complaining consistently, to anyone who would listen. Frank became a frustration fanatic but took no action. He didn’t leave, he didn’t really work harder, he just focused on the feeling and ruminated in it. He’s still right in his same place where he’s been. He talks about maybe taking action someday and stews on the rest. Frank is stuck in a cycle of self-created hopelessness. He is in pain and angry and complains that no one who can fix what is happening is. He talks about changing himself but doesn’t and each time he doesn’t he creates a cycle of wondering if he has the power to change it.
Is it hopeless? Can Frank get out of the cycle?
Let’s take a look at this objectively. First, Frank was not supported the way he should have been. He made a choice to persevere but after a while he couldn’t hold it all. So he decided to drop what he could control and hold on to the pieces he couldn’t. That is what paralyzed him. Frank can change that. He just needs to recognize that he can’t hold it all and deliberately choose what he holds and sets down. Frank can hold his confidence and set down their expectations. He can hold the skills that will drive him forward and set down the frustration with how they use theirs. Frank can identify and bridge his own gaps and let go of the pain that their gaps cause.
Are you looking for a way to break the cycle?
You can hold on to how great you are and identify areas for growth.
Was just reading that sentence was a little painful? I totally get it. Sometimes if we’ve been in the cycle of wondering so long it’s hard to remember all of the things we can hold, we get to hold, for ourselves. If this is you, please do check out my resource, Reaching for More. It’s an encouraging step-by-step guide to regaining your power to love yourself and actively choose where and how you grow.
Find fulfillment outside of work.
I am an advocate that if your work isn’t fulfilling you need to be doing something else, however, I am not an advocate of rash decisions. Look outside to avoid the cycle, or stop the spinning long enough to make a decision and act. Find a way to expand your view. Find a hobby or volunteer option that allows you to develop your skills, own your time, or just give life to yourself or others. I don’t care if it is a 1/4 mile walk with a friend or dog or 8 hours at the homeless shelter serving meals and taking up knitting to make every single person there a warm hat for winter. Do something that is right and fits for you and then stick with it.
Look for something else.
Finally, look for another job. This isn’t always the solution but truly, there is no shame or frustration in testing out that greener grass. Make shrewd decisions on what you’re getting yourself into and then, go and test. Sometimes the grass isn’t greener but owning the decision to choose different grass is enough to add some appreciation to what creates the dead spots. If you’re ready for that, check out Building Your Career and choose the option that is right for you.