Relying on Invisible Scripts to Get Everything You Never Wanted

According to Huff Post, an invisible script is an assumption that is so baked in to how you view the world and your choices that you don’t even question it. We all have these invisible scripts running through our minds that tell us what we should do or can’t do. Invisible scripts both limit and drive our actions. They do make decisions easier in the moment. I mean if one of yours is that a clean person does the dishes at night then you do dishes and don’t think twice. What happens though when we set a goal based on one of these scripts, and achieve it, only to realize it isn’t at all what we wanted?

You get so distracted by mindlessly checking each box and achieving each milestone. Then you realize you’re in a place you never really wanted to be. I want to tell you two stories today to highlight how this can happen in a couple areas of life.

The band geek story.

So, there I was, 6th grade, walking through the band room individually getting to pick out the instrument that was right for me. Sure, we had learned about all sorts of them and I think my mom had said at one point that she like the sax so I picked one up. I wasn’t dying to play the sax. I had no musical talent to speak of. In 6th grade you picked an instrument so I did, alto sax.

As it turned out, I wasn’t terrible. I picked up on reading music and didn’t get the awful squeaks that some kids managed to make come out. If you’re good at something you should keep with it. Add in a ton of reinforcement from my band teacher and a low number of kids in our school let alone the arts and in a year or two I was playing up with the high school jazz band. I advanced to class A solos at state competitions my freshman year of high school.

My junior year a friend and I were invited to audition for an incredible statewide honors band. I did nothing to prepare other than to try and learn scales in the car. On the ride down I used my air sax and the audition requirements booklet to spend an hour on prep where I should have spent weeks. I failed that audition miserably because I was so unprepared.

The only emotion that came to mind was surprising. I had hit the mark, met the goal, and yet I just did not care. I was disappointed I wasted so much of their time and didn’t feel accomplished in any way for being invited to audition. Why? Because I never wanted it. Other people wanted it for me. I was just trying to follow along and play the game. The invisible script was so strong I didn’t ask myself if it was something I wanted.

I’ll bet you have a similar story.

You likely have a story of academics or sports, or maybe yours is band too. It’s not that anyone forced you into it you just never thought to question your path. Which is a thing that happens with kids and truly those invisible scripts are helpful sometimes. (Honestly, I don’t know that I would have done anything besides watch TV if it weren’t for some amount of peer pressure.) The bigger and more important question is, are you still doing it? Before you answer, let me tell one more quick story.

The climb the ladder story.

A woman I know was working in a job that she was starting to get bored in. She had been doing the same thing for about 5-6 years and while she was very good at it, it just wasn’t satisfying her anymore. We would talk career paths frequently. She had all sorts of ideas about the things she enjoyed about the work she was doing and what departments and companies she could add value to and feel fulfilled. Then her boss said, You could be me some day. Don’t you want this? The office is great and the salary, amazing. If you work hard you could get here.

The boss thought it was helpful and encouraging but really he was reinforcing his own script that success is taking one more step up the ladder. As a matter of fact, she did not want that job. She just wanted to focus on the work that lit her up. What did she do in the end? She got the promotion and earned the office and salary she never asked for. She hit a level in her career she never expected to achieve. The achievement was thrilling for a moment. It didn’t take long for her to realize, she’d lost the opportunity to do the work she was passionate about.

Now for the reflection.

Back to my question. Are you still living life based on the path that someone else laid out? How much of your life is being controlled by these invisible scripts; pushing you in a direction you never intended to go. Do you relate to the ladder? Were you pushed toward office work instead of blue collar? Are you SAHM (stay at home mom for those who aren’t sure) because good moms do it full time?

There are a million other examples of all sorts of invisible scripts that play out in our lives. They impact everything from if you wash the dishes at night to if you buy a house. My challenge to you is to identify the invisible script pushing you to do something. After you name it, you get to decide if you still want to follow it or if doing what you should is getting you everything you never wanted.