Navigating Balance with Intentionality for Working Parents

Working parents have the best of both worlds. It is hard. Saying it again for those in the back, it is both great, and hard. For me, the difficulty doesn’t come in rushing home from work, meal planning to make the most of time in the evening, or even in making the most of the limited time I have with the kids before and after work. Being a working parent, working mom specifically, gets really tough when you have to decide between work and the family. Now, I don’t mean the big things, clearly family comes first in an emergency or something important, but what about the little day to day decisions that create the balance you have. It is that balance between parenting and working that is amazing but can be so difficult to navigate.

Mom, all the parents work.

That was the sentence that really got me the other week. My oldest son was complaining that he has to go to afterschool care again next year even though he’s “too old for day care”. I explained that to avoid afterschool care I would have to pick him up from school. Because I have a job, that just isn’t an option. It was then that he proceeded to tell me that at his school, “all the parents work”. His intent was to show me that my situation is not special. There are lots of working parents, everyone, evidently. Everyone else seems to be able to figure it out and pick their kids up from school.

Now, do I know that this is a gross over exaggeration, yes. Is it worth it to argue this with an 8-year-old, no. So instead I said, “I would love to know how they do it buddy because there just aren’t enough hours for me to do my job and drop you off and pick you up from school.” I proceeded to suggest that the working parents got help. Maybe one dropped off and the other picked up. Maybe the grandparents were close and could help. There are some people who work part time so those hours make more sense. Lot’s of people around here work on farms so they can stop what they’re doing to go to school. Those examples likely account for 90% of the everyone else that can do it, but it was still nagging at me. Is the issue the type of work that I do?

Why I never became a manager

True to my form I continued to reflect on the conversation with my little guy after the fact. One afternoon another working mom and I were at the park with our kiddos. I told her about his comment. I was expecting working mom solidarity, but I got a look of confusion. She said, “I always pick up and drop off”. Then I think our faces changed and I was the confused one followed by her putting it together. She gave me an empathetic smile and said, “that’s why I never became a manager.” This was in no way intended to be judgement on her part. It ended up being a gut punch nonetheless. The implication with that statement, I can’t do all the working parent or working mom things, because I’m a people leader.

This mom explained how she balances it. That got me thinking about all the other moms that I have seen do the same thing. Their husbands’ have big jobs with lots of responsibility and accolades. These, in my experience, powerhouse women take a more supportive role at work to allow them to be more active in their home. In my rural midwestern experience this often follows the gender role norms, however, I have seen it go the other way as well. Which raises two questions for me,

1. Is that the way to get it right? If both are working parents, does one partner take the lead in their career and one take the lead at home?
2. My friend, this mom at the park, chose this trade off intentionally. How many other people trade it intentionally? How often are people making these little decisions that set their life on a course without realizing it?

So, what is the answer for working parents?

Spoiler alert on this one, I’m still figuring it out. I do have a few thoughts though, or if you’ve been following along since the beginning of this blog, things I’m reminding myself of.

1. I refuse to believe that there is only one right way to do things. There is a one best way but it is the one best way for you, in your family, and your situation. You have the freedom to figure it out for yourself and you don’t need to fit any mold or expectation. There is no law that says the mom takes lead at home. No expectation exists that you cannot have help within or outside your home (meal service, cleaning, and afterschool care included, little man). You can tap the break in your career for the most taxing years of parenthood and hit the gas in another chapter if you like. It is all up to you and your needs for your family.
2. You are the one who makes the choice. Be like my friend, do it on purpose. Don’t fall into a decision and look back years later with regret. Make a choice, supported by logic and facts, and do that. If that means you’re trading some after school pick up to get another couple hours in at the office, fine. Opening the laptop after the kids are in bed so you’re present to play basketball in the driveway, cool. If you all sit down and do ‘homework’ together, great. However you make the choice is wonderful and perfect and right for you but don’t fall into it. Falling into a decision you never made only breeds regret and resentment.
3. Don’t make your decision in a vacuum, communicate with your partner, and your kids. I stand by point #2, you make the choice, however, those whom your choice impacts most, get a vote. I say this because we can make a decision and often, it is for what we believe to be the betterment of those we love. However, we never asked them what they wanted. For example, I can tell myself I need a big job so that I can take my kids on vacation, buy them the toys they love, and show them what a strong woman looks like. If they would rather trade the vacation for a mom who isn’t stressed, the toys for a mom who has time to play, and I can show them strength in another capacity, then I have thinking to do. Then I need to decide who I’m doing this for and be honest with myself on that.

The moral for all us working parents is…

You can get creative. You can find your one best way. While your family may be part of the source of the pain in navigation, they can also be your north star out of it.