Working with People You don’t Trust

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every person we needed to work closely with was someone we could trust to have our back? We’ve all had people at work that we just do not trust. Maybe there has been evidence in the past of them actively working against you. It could have been a rumor that you heard about them disparaging your work. Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it yet. You just know to step, and speak, with caution around them. The problem is, regardless of your level of trust, you still have to work with them. In many cases, you have to work with them over a long period of time.

I couldn’t count all of the times that I didn’t trust someone that I needed to work closely with. These included one extreme of someone was truly trying to get me fired, or at least demoted, based on lies. I’ve had countless instances where people did not want to be blamed for mistakes and they needed a scape goat. Down to the eye roll worthy distrust of people forgetting what was decided after it no longer served their interest.

All of these situations are frustrating to varying degrees, but I think the forgetting gets me the most. This isn’t new right; this is something we do as kids. If something goes wrong, something is broken, or a situation didn’t go our way suddenly no one knows anything. There is complete amnesia. I have no idea how that happened. Or, I didn’t hear you before. I don’t remember you telling me to _____. It’s frustrating when a 4-year-old does it, how much more when a 40-year-old does?

At work this can look like all of the business leaders and stakeholders sitting around a table (or around the Zoom meeting) discussing the risks and rewards of making a specific decision or starting a particular initiative. Once all of the pros and cons are out in the open we make a decision. Everyone nods in agreement with the direction we’ll go and the next steps needed. Then, a key stakeholder experiences one of the risks or drawbacks that was discussed. Suddenly there is total amnesia as to why and who made the decision in the first place. That person completely halts the project as much as they can because now they forgot why we’re doing this.

At a minimum this amnesia delays work that needs to be done while you refresh everyone on what was decided and what risks were accepted to achieve the gains. At the most it could make all your (and potentially your team’s) prior work useless if the project is closed. Somewhere in between there is the land of reword to make everyone comfortable and keep the project moving. One thing is for certain though, there is a now a deep crack in the trust you’d built with that stake holder. The more often it happens the deeper that crack gets.

How to move ahead when the trust is broken

Unless you’re willing to just pack up and leave every time someone breaks your trust, which I would certainly not advise, you need to find a way to move forward. The strategies below will support you in working with someone you distrust, haven’t built trust with yet, or if you just want to start from a position of security. I’m not saying that there is never a time to move on from an untrustworthy organization, structure, or boss.

Capture in writing the key decisions

When working on a project, document important decision. Create a document that shows the pros and cons of each option, what was recommended and what was decided with noted agreement from all involved. Maybe you’re working on day-to-day work and the issue isn’t decisions but agreement on how the work gets done. For this make a SOP (standard operating procedure) document. You may tweak it along the way but it will give you something to point back to on how the work is done and stop the finger pointing.

Be clear about roles

For any work you’re doing or project you’re on, understand the players and what role they play. Who is expected to do the work for each piece? What people or groups are consulted for their ideas and opinions, but maybe don’t get the final say? Who is the decision maker? Who is accountable for the whole thing? Having a clear picture of this is helpful for you, and others involved. This helps to gently point people back to what they need to be working. Even if they forget they were supposed to do that work. It will also help clarify for those consulted that their opinion has been heard and we’re moving forward.

Demonstrate what it means to be trustworthy

Remember to hold yourself to a high bar. Do not allow your frustration with others’ actions sway you to go do the same road. You be the leader who acts honorably and is trustworthy. Use this as an opportunity to coach up, mentor, or lead in any capacity and display the conduct that you would expect.

Document

At the end of the day if you’re truly unable to trust someone, document everything. This one goes beyond the documents we considered before. This one is more detailed in what you’re capturing. Do have the conversations to build trust authentically as you’re able. Demonstrate why, and with what, they can trust you. Also make sure you have evidence that backs you up if you’re not able to trust their work, motives, or ‘memory’. Have a healthy discussion in a meeting. Then, send out a synopsis to include what was discussed, the decisions made, and next steps for each person. End your note with, if I’ve missed anything or there are any corrections let me know. You want to show humility but also gives an opportunity for anyone else involved to make notes as needed.

Focus on the relationships where you can build trust

Finally, don’t spend too much of your energy on these relationships that lack trust. I can tell you, in my younger years I would spend hours at night and on the weekends worrying about what this person would do next or how they were trying to sabotage me. It just was not worth it. My worrying about it didn’t change anything or make me any more prepared to handle it when it came. All I can suggest is to be alert to the situation but don’t put your time and energy there. Put your time and energy into your work and into building those relationships that will propel you into your future.