We all know that feedback is useful for building awareness and improving skills right? It is so hard to keep that at the forefront of your mind when you’re actually receiving the information though. I probably get more practice at this than most. Between my work as a leader of several teams, being a mom and wife, and in my various roles within the community, I get many opportunities to provide feedback. I’ll say, typically it goes pretty well. Often times I’ll give someone info to reflect on and I’m able to do it in a way that is kind and impactful. The same is often true when I respond to feedback as well. I appreciate the care that goes into sharing thoughts whether it’s on my communication skills, a decision I’ve made, my cooking, or any specific area. I respect the opinion and consider if and how to use the feedback to improve my skills. Not always though, and that is where this story is going.
But first, a feedback application disclaimer
Regardless of how you respond to feedback initially, you don’t have to apply it directly to your life. That feedback could be telling you all sorts of things. So, first things first. If you haven’t read Feedback is a Gift go back and read that one. It will give you all the insight on the types of feedback you could be receiving, what they mean, and what to do with them. To take a note from that post, Reflect on what was said and where you want to take it. This doesn’t always look like putting the cookie cutter stamp of the feedback into the direct area you got it for. You get to decide where you want to take it. This is up to you to decide if this is applied verbatim, apply the spirit of what they were saying, or by understanding why someone would give it, and moving on.
Now, back to our story. When I nearly failed to use the feedback.
Because on this blog we’re all in transition to becoming the best we can be, let’s consider a time from not too long ago where I could have received feedback much better. Picture it, I’m in a conference room prepared for a crucial conversation. A coworker of mine and I are not on the same page. While the overall issue has deep roots, the goal is to address a recent pattern that culminated into a very frustrating situation. Now, I have outlined my points, prepared myself to stick to the facts and the recent ones at that, and I am feeling confident going into this conversation.
We start by just asking and answering some high-level questions about the overall strategy and plan. We agree on the big picture, which is great, so we move on to the details. As I start to listen to the details my coworker makes a comparison between myself and another colleague of ours. They assessed me as the weaker of the two based on my lack of ability in two very basic skills that I believe, and have been told, I possess in spades.
This is when I hosed it up.
My logical brain fell out of my head and emotion took over. (Picture the red anger guy in Inside Out when his head lights on fire.) I instantly came up with a list of why they were wrong and what I’d done and accomplished over the years. What was the plan? Prove I was incredibly skilled in those areas. I started listing everything I could think of until they stopped me, would not let me finish, and said that this was a perfect example of what they were saying. My flaming brain plan had totally backfired. The conversation was over.
How did that go off the rails?
That coworker and I started off great right? We were developing common ground and understood both the why and the what that needed to happen. When we started to get to the how that we went off the rails. So, this coworker thinks I have gaps. That’s cool, I agree by the way. I have quite a few; we all do. I don’t agree with their assessment of this gap. Looking back with clearer eyes I can say, that’s cool, I’ll reflect on what is causing them to feel that way. Do I agree? I’ll process with other trusted mentors and friends to find out. If I agree, do I want to change it? If I disagree, or believe it’s their issue, I can try to understand why they would say it. Or I can simply let it go.
That isn’t what I did though. Not in that moment. In that moment I was determined to make them understand that they were wrong. I was sure they had simply forgotten about all of the work I’d done and the clear track record I had that proved my skills in that area. When I saw that Cheshire cat smile come across their face as I was talking, I was furious. Not at them, at myself. How could I fall into that same old trap? How could I think that listing all of the things I’d done was going to change that opinion? More importantly, why did I even want to?
What can you do to respond to feedback better
Did that story resonate with you? Have you felt yourself respond to feedback with some attack either out of anger, sadness, frustration, or the like? Let’s talk about what can be done differently to improve this.
Ask more questions. If you’re getting feedback that is too vague to be useful, ask about it. You need specificity to understand where you could improve and decide if you want to move forward with addressing it. Go back to Feedback is a Gift for more on this one. Once you understand the feedback they’re giving you can agree or disagree and let them know your perspective.
Rephrase the feedback to them to confirm you’re both on the same page. This can be particularly helpful in clarifying the issue. It is also useful if the ‘feedback’ is just a disguise for an attack. You can phrase it as So what I’m hearing you say is ____. or If I’m understanding you right you believe ______. Once you’ve rephrased the other person will often go on and you can rephrase for clarity again based on this new information or let them know your perspective.
You don’t have to agree or disagree in the moment.
You can give yourself an out to process. Say something like that’s interesting, I haven’t heard that before and I’ll have to think about that. Often times that will spur the other person on to give more detail or examples. They may try to prompt you to agree after adding a bit more color but it is totally acceptable to reiterate, yeah, like I said I’ll have to process that a little because I just haven’t heard that in the past but I appreciate you sharing your perspective. This approach is one of my favorites because it not only gives you time but reminds both of you that you, the recipient, are in control of what is done with that information.