Could a Compliment be Worse than Criticism?

Do you ever get that feeling in the back of your throat? It’s a huge lump that you’re not sure how air can get past it let alone words? Some people get it when they’re getting really angry but need to remain restrained. You might get it when something happens that would make you cry except that you are fighting it so hard. It is just this big ball of emotion that fills your throat. While it’s there, your body starts to shake a little, you start to sweat, and you’re just uncomfortable beyond measure. So, a few years ago that was me whenever I would get a compliment.

Let’s talk about just how bad at receiving compliments I can be.

If the compliment was small, like hey I like your shoes, I’d get just a little worked up. I could feel the hairs go up on the back of my neck and would say, oh these? I got them from Goodwill. They were just the only neutral shoe that fit my foot. Then it would get worse if the compliment got bigger. If someone complimented my parenting or home, I’d grit my teeth and either give credit to my husband or show 10 different aspects that didn’t go as planned. Then the big one, compliment my work or career, forget about it. I was a ball of nerves. If it went too far, I’d just start crying.

There was one boss of mine that didn’t have anything negative or constructive for me to work on in reviews and it drove me insane. I would scrutinize end of year reviews in hopes to find a hidden measure I could improve on. When I started getting uncomfortable and said I don’t want you listing what I did well, he responded with, well, you’re just going to have to get over it. Though I’m sure not his intent, get over it, was enough constructive criticism to bring me back to reality.

More constructive criticism got me to be good with compliments.

I took my problem and my newfound (extremely vague) criticism to my mentor. I sat in his executive suite office over lunch and while explaining my issue I started sobbing. He looked at me with such confusion, and probably a little disgust, and gave me the most useful feedback.

He went on to explain that I needed to compartmentalize compliments just like people who struggle with criticism need to learn to compartmentalize that. Getting a compliment on work done to date does not mean you’ve won the game it means do more of what made that successful. It means, this is going well, how do we get more of that? It is a very similar concept to handling negative feedback and understanding that something isn’t going well or isn’t serving you so how do we pivot, apply here, and then for other areas as well. While his words may have sounded harsh, compartmentalizing, was exactly the perspective I needed to get over it.

What about when it’s more who you are, than what you’ve done?

Fast forward a few years and I was doing much better compartmentalizing compliments about my work (either in the office or at home) based on my mentor’s advice. However, I was building a strong enough track record that people were starting to attribute it to who I was. For example, after my kids would be respectful in a few situations people would say, you are really raising well-mannered and respectful kids. After a few meetings that went well and well written emails I’d get, you’re a great communicator. That becomes a little harder to compartmentalize.

While working with another mentor, we walked through my strengths assessment from StrengthsFinder. I’ll admit I had had my results for years, literally, but had barely looked at them because, come on, spend time focused on my strengths? I’d rather die. So, we walked through the results, and it was great to see how each strength was a part of me. Each one lead to situations where I’d done well and some where I needed a little work. For example, I’m an activator which means I am great at getting myself and others moving in the right direction. That means I need to focus more on keeping us moving to completion.

What I do with compliments now.

As harsh as that comment about my being self-centered felt at that time I don’t think I could have seen the detriment not taking a compliment was having on me without it. At this point in life I handle feedback, both reinforcing feedback and correcting feedback, essentially the same. Oh sure, there are times I make mistakes but for the most part I am accepting and understanding people’s opinions for what they are and how they apply to me. Let me share a few tips on how to look at them.

Defining and compartmentalizing is critical.

There are two basic kinds of compliments, limiting and encouraging. Limiting is the kind of feedback that puts you in a box and tells you you’re stuck and unable to grow. It doesn’t mean it’s definite, but certainly speaks to you that way. For example, saying you’re really good at planning potlucks. The tone is, don’t take on too much or do anything else because you’re good at this one thing. Sometimes limiting feedback can spur you to show your stuff, but more often it stifles people. Encouraging feedback is more expansive. It is, saying you’ve learned so much planning the potluck that I’d bet you’d do really well organizing the networking social for our club.

Without the ability to define the two types of compliments (or any type of feedback really) it is really hard to take the next step with it. Understanding what I’m dealing with and then compartmentalizing it makes all the difference.

Who it’s coming from matters.

There are people who will give their advice, perspective, whatever on anything and everything. I’ll listen, but only apply or double down on it in if I admire the quality about them. For example, one of the mentors mentioned above had an incredible career with a variety of experiences. This is something I’d be interested in creating in my own way. I was all ears when he said my experience was a T like his and gave thoughts on how to make the most of that. In contrast, a boss I had once told me you’re getting good at just telling people what to do sometimes. I got to be the sounding board for those he told what to do, so I got a different perspective on this compliment from him. His feedback, combined with their reaction to him, made me tailor my approach. I admire the way he got things done, but not at the expense of everyone’s buy in. You get to pick and choose what you listen to and how you apply it.

It’s all an opportunity to improve.

Whether you’re talking about corrective constructive criticism or an encouraging compliment, and everything in between, you can use that information to build your value within your organization. Building this muscle takes a lot of practice and skills. We’ll dig into it more in the 10-day course, The Feedback Bootcamp. The doors are open to dig in and take a deeper dive into how to solicit feedback, how to probe and understand the value of applying it, how to apply it to your career and ways to integrate it into your routine, how to use that integration in year-end evaluations, promotions, and negotiations. We’re scratching the surface here in the blog, imagine the impact you can have by going deeper with The Feedback Bootcamp. This is our first time going through the course with a group so get in on the founders pricing happening now. The price will jump back up on January 28 so get in before it does!