Years ago I worked for a small family business. This was a second home for me. I loved the owners, the staff, the customers everyone. I worked there for six years managing it for the last five. In my final year there the unthinkable happened. While building a garage, the owner fell from a roof landing on his head and shoulder. He was in the hospital for months. He wasn’t speaking and or able to handle many of his general daily functions. Now his wife, a mom with two thriving businesses that needed to be at the hospital with her husband, home with her young kiddo, and supporting the business that provided their livelihood. I can’t even imagine the agony of that, day after day.
After about 6 weeks, I was able to go with her to the hospital to visit. For me, it was such a comfort to see him. He was relearning to walk, his words were mix matched, and he looked so vulnerable in a hospital, but he was here. He was ok and you could see in his eyes that he was still here. If I felt that way, I can only imagine how his amazing wife felt. All of life must have been so overwhelming, and then you get to the hospital and he’s still here. It wasn’t sunshine and roses, and there was a long road ahead, but there must have been so much comfort in just knowing he’s here and we’re together. As we walked in the wife started apologizing profusely to a nurse that she’d been away too long, having not made the 150-mile trip the day before. The nurse said something that I think about often. I love my time with my husband, and I love my time without him.
I love my time with him, I love my time without him.
This nurse must have said this a lot because she held her shoulders, looked in her eyes, and said the words like a mantra. My boss took a deep breath and nodded as she took in what I’m assuming was a recurring lesson. Looking back I can only imagine the guilt she must have felt every day. Time spent at the hospital (or in travel) was time not spent with her little one. Time spent with either of them was time not spent working and ensuring that the businesses continued to thrive. Not to mention the added pressure of her job not just impacting her life and income but at least 20 other people’s as well.
I’m sure you can relate.
Many of you reading do not own your own businesses. You likely do not have employees relying on you to stay afloat. You probably don’t have a partner in a hospital miles and miles away. But I would bet that you can relate to this story.
We know what it means to miss our kids when we’re at work. There are times we miss our spouse when we’re with our kids. We have all been with our family and still been thinking about our top priority at work. You know the mom guilt, and the pressure to do it all and do it well. You don’t have to be next level in this unthinkable story to understand the apologies that come when you walk in the door. We’ve all been there. Either out loud or in our head feeling like we’ve made the wrong choice. Maybe we didn’t do enough, or we weren’t there enough, or we didn’t try hard enough.
Your Time is Enough, Exactly Where You Are
You are enough. You are doing the best you can. The time that you spend bathing your kids when you feel like you didn’t have time to do anything fun with them, is enough. All of the time you spent cooking dinner while they ran around the house like nut cases is enough. The time in the car driving them from one activity to another when you feel like they don’t appreciate it is enough. The time at work when you finished the project, answered the email, led the meeting, is enough. Even the time with your partner after the kids go to bed and you’re sitting on opposite sides of the couch doing your own thing. It is enough.
Commit those words from the nurse to your memory as I have and apply it far and wide. I won’t feel guilty about my time at work. I love my time with kids, and I love my time without them. No more shame around wanting to be with your spouse when you’re with your kids. I love my time with my husband, and I love my time without him. And we’re all done feeling overwhelmed by work thoughts at home. I love my time at work, and I love my time away from it. OK so maybe not every single situation applies to you, but you get the picture. It’s ok to want both, or all, and the guilt isn’t serving any of us. So we’ll enjoy the time in the moment because we can love where we are, without hating where we’re not.