Do You Need Friendships at Work?

One of the key questions within any employee engagement survey is around friendships at work. That is because all those researchers who put their heads together to build those things know that your relationships are one of the biggest determining factors of your happiness. Now, you don’t need to have a million friends. Your work friends don’t need to be your true besties. You need a few strong relationships to help pull you through those tough times and celebrate the personal wins. Whether you call them your work BFF, your work wife or work husband, or just your person, find them, foster the relationship, and grow together. I can say from personal experience that all those researchers are accurate. Even when the work has been great, when I’ve not had my person, it’s been some of the loneliest times in my career, regardless of my level.

No Work BFF as an Individual Contributor

Years ago, I was working in a job where I had no previous relationships. I had gotten in without any connections and didn’t know a single employee I’d come in contact with. It was a small company so outside of me, at least 75% of the employees, leaders, and executives did have some sort of close relationship. It was intimidating to say the least. Being the introvert that I am, and prior to my understanding of the importance of building those relationships, I got to work, worked really hard, was friendly but not to the point of distracting from work, and went home. I wasn’t open to making friends and with a long commute, I wasn’t really around for happy hours and the like.

I was good at my job. In my short time there I got four raises, bonuses, received a promotion, and was flexible enough to fill in in many departments allowing me to choose what work I did. There were accolades and ‘atta-girls’ coming from all angles. Great right? I left after just 2 years, my shortest tenure with any company, because it was so lonely. It was lonely to not have someone to share the inside jokes with, laugh at a ridiculous policy, or be able to vent to. Don’t get me wrong, everyone was nice. It wasn’t as though I was the outsider and was getting the cold shoulder. Even with pleasant conditions and the great perks I was seeing, there was no one that pulled me to stay.

Isolation as a Leader without a Work Bestie

Fast forward just a little and you get to my first few roles as a people leader. On three separate occasions, with different companies, I was promoted from individual contributor to manager. In all of those instances I had a solid group of work friends around me before the promotion. Then, each time I started out in a leadership role, I felt like I needed to start all over again in my relationships.

Part of the struggle was that, with the promotion came the loss, or at the very least change, of the relationships I had. You can’t be work besties with an individual contributor as a people leader, you don’t have the right support to offer each other. Now, I’m not saying to not have relationships across levels of the organization. Please do. What I am trying to say is, as an individual you need someone who give perspective based on where you’re at. You need someone who can see where you’re at and where you’re going too. As a people leader, you need that as well, and the two just aren’t well matched to fill that role for each other.

So, what happened without those relationships?

Without my core group of work friends, and no work husband to speak of, I felt really alone. Don’t get me wrong, I did good work. I was able to turn out projects, lead my teams to success, influence leaders throughout each of the organizations, it just wasn’t that fun. Infact, it was really lonely. I remember thinking at one point, what if I just say I don’t want the promotion? I’ll do the work. But what if they just leave me at IC so I have my people back?

It was hard to even feel like myself. Those I used to be friends with were now going to each other with their wins and vent sessions. When I had something to share, I had to question myself who was appropriate to share it with. I wanted to keep the appropriate relationship with my boss in each instance. I hadn’t developed relationships with the other leaders quite yet. Those who I used to go to could work in some instances but not others. It was a constant guessing game where I felt like the new kid, alone on the playground. No one said I couldn’t play with them I just didn’t know the rules of any of the games.

Slowly I gained relationships, yes, even a bestie or two. I eventually started feeling supported and connected again. I remember in my first leadership position, after nearly a year in the role, I made a very significant mistake. As in, could have cost the company a lot of money type of mistake. I owned up immediately. One of the other leaders, who had nothing to gain, came to support me. She said she’d done the something similar years prior and based on my track record, and that nothing actually had happened, the execs should let it go. I didn’t even know we were friends yet. After that though, you better believe I was there to have her back from then on out.

Do you really need friendships at work?

Maybe you don’t need them right off the bat. I just gave examples from four different positions I held early on in my career where I had no real friendships at work to speak of and I was successful in each. So are they necessary, I guess not. Not by the measure of accomplishment in the role at least. We can pretty well establish that it wasn’t enjoyable right? It led to my leaving one organization and wishing I’d not been promoted in another.

Maybe the key isn’t making sure you have one to avoid all that I’m describing above. The key, I think, is consistently working to develop those relationships along the way. Just like that co-worker did for me, stand up when you see the opportunity to support someone you respect. Take the step to share authentically with a peer. Support others in their development of relationships by connecting them with people at their level that you think would be a good fit. As my mom always taught us, in life you try your best and be a good friend. Being a good friend and putting your full effort into everything are on equal footing and will propel you forward together.