What happens when you get stressed, be honest, it’s not pretty on anyone. We turn into someone else, speaking and acting in a way that doesn’t match who we want to be. It’s frustrating and stress can make even the smallest of things feel overwhelming. And we can’t get rid of it. No matter how we try, stress isn’t going away. So, the actual question isn’t how do we reduce stress but how do we recognize it and respond to it? Today let’s take a look at it from the standpoint of myself and my middle, an introvert’s view of stress management through time, if you will.
My Middle’s Big Day
Let’s start off talking triggers. My middle guy has some stress triggers that involve plans or routines changing. He does great with a normal flow but not as much with spontaneity. Recently he needed to present in school. This is a typical end of unit activity. He got all dressed up for his presentation, got to school, and found out he was presenting to a group, not one-on-one. During the presentation, the two girls on his team (who were supposed to be presenting with him) were talking even when he paused to ask them to stop. He must have done well though, because he got a big bag of candy from his teacher as a reward. On the way home after school he realized that someone went in his back pack and ate every single piece. At recess no one played with him. After school his brothers tricked him into doing the heavy lifting and then left him out of driving the 4wheeler.
If you’re reading that thinking, those are pretty small problems, you haven’t been around here very long. We can often learn the most by reflecting on things that seem simple but relate to the problems we face every day.
Let’s put that stress in more adult terms.
Let me break down that day for you again, but it slightly more adult terms. This guy has pretty high anxiety for things not going to plan and has a fear of public speaking. He was mentally ready, if not excited, to follow the typical protocol of teaching someone what he has been researching. He found out with no notice that it would be a group presentation rather than just one person. There would be a small team to present with, unfortunately, his team was comprised of people who didn’t do the work and were unsupportive while he presented. Later he was rewarded for his efforts only to have it stolen. Finally, he felt deserted by his friends and family. Those are some heavy situations for anyone to have to deal with, let alone a 7-year-old.
How do we respond?
I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty good with stress. I’ve developed the coping mechanisms to treat would be stressful situations as opportunities, found what I’m grateful for in those moments, and relied on resources to pull me through. That being said, I’d better be right. I mean, I have a whole class that I teach on stress management (you can totally steal the framework here). As a result, my kids have some pretty good coping mechanisms for stress as well.
This little guy was sharing his frustrations with me in the truck on the way home nearly in tears. He went to grab a candy from his teacher, the bright spot in the day, when he realized that someone had taken it. He then decided he’d play outside when he got home to distract himself. After his brothers were mean he came in and shared his frustrations with me again. I asked if he wanted to make desert, because he loves to make desert, and he agreed. The night turned around from there. At bedtime though, while I was tucking him in, he fell apart. He was a complete puddle from the day. I wrapped my arms around him and reminded him how well he handled everything and finding your soft place to land is all part of it. After a while I started talking him through highs and lows of the day. What we could do about the problems and what we could enjoy about the good times. He got to a contented place before he even fell asleep.
How do you move forward and reduce stress?
In that last paragraph my middle taught you everything you needed to know about how to manage stress. Did you catch it?
Find something to be grateful for
Sure, when you’re 7 it’s the candy your teacher gave you. When you’re 35 maybe it’s that you have a solid support system. Or maybe that you’re blessed enough to have the types of stressors that you do. (Easy to be thankful for your abundance when you’re stressed that the house is a mess. Or grateful you work from home when you need to take a minute to talk to a repair man.)
Get outside/Find a healthy distraction
Sharing your stress with others can help for a time however dwelling on it won’t. Find something healthy to distract yourself and get your mind off of the issue is a great way to let go of that stress. Getting out for some fresh air and vitamin D is always a plus and getting the movement in will release the stress combatting hormones so, there’s that too.
Tap into your resources
Maybe you won’t always call upon your mom but identify who you can call on. Yes, a friend to vent but go deeper. Who do you know that can actually help with what is stressing you out? Identify them and reach out.
Find your soft place to land
When it is too heavy, when you can’t hold it all, let yourself crash safely. Give yourself the freedom to just feel things and move past it when you’re ready. Now you might not have someone waiting to pick you back up after you fall apart, but you do have my words to help ground you. It’s ok to feel the stress. Then make sure you remind yourself of how strong you are, how much you can handle, how to do it, and be thankful for that.