People often come to me with their problems. I hear all sorts of problems, and I understand why that happens right. I am a coach. I’m here to help people. I’m here to serve leaders like you. And so it makes sense that people would come to me with their problems. Particularly after they have been venting with their friends and are now ready for a solution. The problem is they’ve been focused on the problem so long that is all they can see. No matter what I ask them, their answer circles back to the problem. (If you hate reading, you can get all the good stuff here on YouTube) Ramit Sethi says, people with problems love to talk about their problems. That is true. It’s true in your financial life, and in your career and your day-to-day work life as well. Today we’re going to dig into what it looks like to dwell in your problems (even when you think you’re looking for solutions) and what question you can ask that will snap you out of it.
The Manager on LinkedIn with Problems
Recently, someone came to me on LinkedIn complaining that his boss wasn’t listening to him. He talked about how his boss was ignoring him. His boss was disrespecting him. It was having a major impact on the team and this individual’s career overall. My first instinct in these situations is to ask for a story. A story gives details to generalizations. This manager, or anyone, can give me all the overarching generalizations he wants. My boss always, those employees never, I’m so good about, for example, but until I get some details I’m just a little skeptical.
When I ask that I’m hoping to hear a story with specific evidence of the problem. So, if this manager was being ignored I expect him to tell me a story about how he sent his boss an email and had a conversation about an idea to increase sales, only to have the boss claim there are no new ideas presented. Except most often, that isn’t what I hear. I hear a loop of the problem. And why? Because people with problems, LOVE to talk about their problems. (If you’re honest, do you fall in this camp too?)
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To try and get out of loop I ask a new question. So I asked Mr LinkedIn Manager, What do you want? Now, if you’ve ever felt like him. If you’ve ever felt like your boss was ignoring you and disrespecting you, how would you answer that?
What I typically hear is
- I want the team to stop ignoring me
- I want my boss to quit undermining me
- or I want him to quit dismissing me to the team
I get it, sometimes you just need to just get it out. Sometimes you need to vent or share the issue. There is nothing wrong with that, for a moment. There is nothing wrong with getting your frustrations off of your chest with someone who can help you process them. When it does become an issue is when you fixate on them. Here’s the truth, your RAS is a mental filter that tells your mind what to focus on. It follows the focus that you give it. So when you focus on your problems, it not only focuses on them but looks for more. So what was, my boss ignored me, becomes…
- He ignores me which means he doesn’t respect me.
- When he doesn’t respect me no one on the team listens to me.
- Then I can’t hit my goals.
- Now I look like the failure.
The question that changes everything
A foundational premise of the classes and coaching I do is objective reflection. Meaning, when people tell me a story filled with emotion and assumptions I prompt them to tell me what I would see and hear that tells me that. We harness that power of the RAS and make it work for you. That same filter, when given positive inputs, can create a spiral that takes you up. But you have to know what those inputs are first. So, how do we get the inputs? By asking one simple question. What would success look like? Objectively, just like we said is a foundational premise, what would I see and hear if this conversation were successful? What would his body language be? What would my tone sound like? How would the rest of the people in the room behave?
You can take that same situation, of the boss ignoring you, and use that one question to put your RAS to work for you. So, for example, you’re speaking and you see that your boss isn’t paying attention fully. You know what success looks like because you’ve already reflected on it. You want eye contact, squared shoulders, quiet in the room so you pause to get it. Then, once you have his attention, your RAS goes to work bringing forward everything you want to focus on. You get to increase your confidence and go from the same starting point, my boss ignored me, to I have his full attention so I can share my exact plan that I’ve been dying for them to hear.
Your ultimate success is found in this
It’s funny, everyone thinks success comes from having the most innovative ideas, the most detailed plan, or grandest vision. Your success actually comes in the fringe of those ideas. Your success comes when everyone in the room recognizes how you calmly command respect. It comes from people seeing that the highest ranking person in the room listens when you speak. Success is leveraging how you communicate about those ideas, plans, and visions so that you’re seen as the force you are.