Can I Learn to be Positive?

How do you approach a problem or a challenging situation? Are you one that takes a problem on head on looking for the means of turning it around? Or do things seem to swallow you up when you’re faced with adversity or trials? Maybe neither of those quite fit and you’re somewhere in the middle. Many people are able to take on whatever life throws at them, but the difference lies in the amount of pain and angst they feel in doing that. That difference depends a great deal on their outlook on life; whether they have a positive outlook on life or a negative one.

The Queen of Silver Linings

For me, it is easy, I always (I hate to say always but I truly can’t think of a time in the last decade where it hasn’t been true) see the opportunity or the blessing in a frustrating situation. I was once dubbed the queen of silver linings and honestly, I wear that crown with pride. Important to note that I did not start out that way. One of my favorite quotes from a childhood movie was ‘You be positive I’ll be realistic.’ Cool.

As I got to adulthood though I realized that negativity, branded as realism, is poisoning life. Minor inconveniences were throwing people into a funk that would impact their entire day and the day of those around them. I watched a friend get so angry about waiting in line for coffee at a drive through that he was actually treating other people badly for days. I had a boyfriend tell me to keep quiet, because he assumed I would get fired from my job (for things like speaking up with solutions). My co-worker complained about not having enough time to get her work done for an hour every day. (Yes, I timed it and no I’m not super proud of that but this is where we are.) An extra 5 hours a week would certainly impact your ability to get things done.

More than being annoying to listen to and distracting at work, I could see the weight that this negativity was adding to people. The pain and frustration that they had because they were choosing to focus on the negative. Thankfully I didn’t waste much time thinking about how I wasn’t that bad and comparing and justifying my own negativity. I realized right quick that wherever I was on the negativity spectrum would only compound if I didn’t start being more positive.

How do you decide to be more positive?

How do you go from seeing the pain to seeing the blessing? Can you go from begrudgingly getting things done, seeing the worst-case scenario, to seeing the positive opportunities that it could be laying out for you? I will tell you that for me, making the switch just sort of naturally came over time. I couldn’t allow my thoughts to drag me down but I wasn’t making intentional change. Looking back though I can identify a few key tips.

Find the ‘get to’ in anything you’re doing.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the blessing in all you do and all you have. Instead of coming up with reasons why you have to think of why you get to. For example, I hear all the time that people have to work. I disagree, there are plenty of people out there not working for any number of reasons. There are so many blessings through working. You get to help others (customers, team members, and more), you get to share your talents and inspire. You get to improve your life and the lives of your friends and family by adding your income and what you’re able to do with it.

On the flip side of that, I’ve seen people lose jobs and do the same thing. It would be easy to go with negativity during job loss. However, positive people know, I get to spend more time with my kids. Or, I get to start fresh somewhere new. I get to pursue what my passion is instead of what I fell into. Sure, there are terrible parts of job loss, see antonyms of all of the working get to’s, but there are blessings on both sides. Thinking of the get to’s flips the script to one of gratitude. It also gives you back the control in the situation. You don’t have to do anything; you are choosing what you get to do.

Define the problem and go to solution.

This is the first tool I used to reframe all of the negativity I was seeing. Well first, I started out by telling people why things weren’t as bad as they seemed. As you might expect, this only got us into a spiral bringing both of us down. Then, I started asking, OK what is the actual problem and what can we do about it? So, for Crabby Mr. Coffee, can you make coffee at work or at home next time? If you wanted the treat of going out, can you leave earlier or stop at a different coffee shop? Often times people who are negative don’t really want to change anything. They want the attention and the self-serving talking about how terrible life is for them.

Solutions allow you to see the choice in allowing situations control your life. Each situation is practice ground. Use the solution finding skills yourself for when your own negativity takes hold.

Imagine what it is preparing you for.

Sometimes things are beyond frustrating and painful. When I really can’t see how something is going to present an opportunity or is a blessing, I challenge myself to consider what I could be preparing for. With a loss of a family member, friend, child, or miscarriage, it doesn’t make sense to look for the blessing. It doesn’t make sense to find a solution. There is still hope, maybe you are being prepared for something greater. You’re being prepared for all the strength and courage and empathy that you’ll need in future situation to support yourself and others.