Typically, when we think of the most respected people in any given field, we think it is those who are top of their class, experts in their field, or the GOAT of the subject. We assume that’s what others would say, and sometimes that’s true. When you ask why though, it isn’t because he or she has the best record, made the most money, or has the most accolades. We choose the person we respect based on their character and most often, their level of authenticity.
How do you decide who you respect?
If you were asked to share the teacher, boss, or sports legend that you respected most, what would you say? For the teacher it’s more likely that they taught you lessons you could take outside the classroom rather than because their classes had the highest GPA. Your boss probably had your back when you needed rather than because they always seemed to get the best production numbers. I’d guess you respect that athlete because of the time they put in or the humility they display in interview rather than because they were voted MVP. We’re looking for authentic displays of respectable qualities, not for the highest stats in any situation. Why is it then that when it comes to building respect for ourselves we assume that the most important thing is to show expertise and hide weakness?
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The luxury of not being able to build respect through expertise
Ever since I was a kid I’ve been the person who is sort of ‘meh’ at a lot of things. I’m an expert in nothing. I am typically good enough at a variety of things to get a seat at the table or a spot on the team. For me, there was no point in competing on grades because there were far and away better students. There was no reason to kill myself working at a sport because there were always at least 10 girls who had me beat with their eyes closed. This developed a practice of not focusing on ‘being the best’ but building the relationships and working as a whole unit.
It certainly carried over into adulthood too. I moved into leadership roles in every organization I was in while there were still people who were more skilled in the day-to-day work. There was never an instance where I knew more than my team about the technical aspects of their job which meant that I was always learning from them. It’s even true in my personal life. There are countless things that my kids, all in single digits mind you, have more expertise in than me. I can’t back a trailer as well as my eldest, I’ve never ridden a dirt bike like my middle, and the little, well he can school me on a hoverboard. The point isn’t that I’ve been there before and can teach what each of these people need to do but that I can gain respect through authenticity with all.
Building authenticity at home
What I’ve seen work well at home is to just ask more questions. Like I mentioned I don’t know much about one son’s backing abilities or the other’s dirt biking, so I don’t pretend to know more. I don’t not allow them to do it because I don’t know how. I ask questions, give suggestions based on what I can see from my view. Then I encourage trying things and making mistakes. It really helps us all learn and teaches them how to learn new things.
One really good way I’ve experienced growth in this quickly is by letting kids see the parents’ fight. If you have a healthy way of resolving conflict, let your family see it. Set an example of what a disagreement can look like between two people who love and respect each other. When you make a mistake, because you will, let them see and hear the apology. Let them see you have real emotion and talk it through. Let them see you fight.
Building authenticity at work
Share your struggles and how you are working to overcome them. If you know that one area you struggle in impacts them, ask them to hold you accountable. Giving all of you skin in the game builds your authenticity too. In my own work I know that my email gets out of control. Email isn’t always a priority and I get a lot of them. I could give excuses on why I haven’t responded, or I could own it. So, my team and I make jokes about what I respond to. They have decided on a way to set the subject, so I notice those that are really urgent. When I am late to respond, I apologize. We do the same thing if I’m late to a meeting or wasn’t clear in a communication. Whatever the struggle is, we have a little fun with it because we’re all working with best intent, try to be flexible and make alternative ways to set us up for success, and sincerely apologize when things go wrong. We do this with my weak spots and theirs, I’ve set the example and we all adhere with mutual respect.
Regardless of where you are, at work, at home, in church, at school, or in some organization in the community, those you’re leading know that you make mistakes. They see you make them, likely every day. What demonstrates authenticity and builds respect is letting them know that you know you make them. Be honest that you don’t have all the answers and some situations are new to you.
Three tips to build authenticity and grow respect
- Speak up when someone is right. Whether this is admitting you were wrong, giving credit, or considering another opinion. It will help you grow respect and help them feel valued as part of the team (or family).
- Admit when you could have handled something better, without the caveats. I made a mistake one time that I could have pretended was totally appropriate. No one would have known, and I could have played the manager card to say I had every right to handle that way. Instead, I considered who from my team would benefit from the experience and I packaged up the email string with what I learned and sent it to them. I wasn’t actually wrong I just could have handled it better. Over the years I’ve heard them refer back to this and how much it meant, both as an example and that I would share it. Take the opportunity to share not only when you’re wrong but when you could be better.
- Be honest that you don’t know it all and let them in to the process of figuring it out. Like I said in the beginning, I’ve never been an expert at anything. That as a strength. I get to work with the team to learn and ask questions that make us all better in the process. I get to work collaboratively and bring my strategic thought to the process while others bring the technical side. Even if your experience isn’t just like mine, you can hold the same get to learn attitude. Be honest about and grateful for what those around you can teach. It takes you all a long way.