How to Make the Transition to Boss from Work BFF

As you spend weeks, months, and even years working side by side with an amazing team, you develop relationships. And that’s good right?! You want those office besties to help you through the projects, problems, and venting sessions. You want to do the same for them. According to Gallup, the global analytics and advice firm, having a best friend at work makes you more innovative, get more done in less time, and helps in safety and reliability. It is even more important to have a work BFF post pandemic as more employees than ever are feeling disconnected and disengaged. But what happens when you go from BFF to boss? Does that relationship have to change? Do you have to breakup with your BFF?

My toughest transition to boss

Everyone I know has a whirlwind of emotions when they are promoted from individual contributor into a management. You develop a relationship with a group of people as one identity, and suddenly everything has to shift. If you were authentically building relationships, and I hope you were, those relationships will look different when you’re the leader of the group. This was no different for me.

I had developed such a great relationship with everyone on the team I worked with. Each of them looked a little different but all of us worked well together. One woman on the team happened to be a friend I’d had for years. We predated our work friendship, but we’d grown even closer on the job. Going from friends inside work, outside work, and then being the boss made the transition to boss especially nerve wracking. To add even more stress, we both applied for the role. Then we both interviewed.

My friend and I were both qualified for the promotion

My friend was a good candidate for the role too. She was more experienced than I was on the work. She was well respected for her technical skill and people skills. I had limited technical experience but brought a wealth of leadership skills and knowledge that I could apply to driving change. In the roles we had been in, she actually mentored me with respect to the technical side of the work.

On paper she probably looked like the better option. If she had been selected, I am sure she would have been successful. That is part of why I got such a big pit in my stomach when I learned I’d been chosen, and our executive leader would share the news with the whole team.

What made the transition easier

Like most great things in life, this transition to boss didn’t come easy. It was a ton of work but there are a few things that made it more comfortable for all of us. I didn’t have a guide, training, or any practical instruction on this. What worked for me is only what I noticed from hindsight and one strategically placed and planned meeting. Click here to learn more about the manager integration meeting on YouTube!

You don’t have to go through that same struggle. You can make your transition to an unstoppable leader (no matter what obstacle is standing in your way) by gaining support and taking action. The first step that I can’t recommend enough is starting with this free guide to map out how to get there.

Setting the stage

Before that executive got a chance to communicate my promotion I set out to make the right impact. I told him that I needed to know when it was ok to communicate before he shared anything. When he pushed me on this (I was already making a stance as to the type of leader I’d be moments after he hired me) I clarified that I needed to set the stage with my co-worker as our relationship would need to change. To be honest, I don’t think he got it but he did respect my feelings.

I took her into a separate room and explained that while I got the promotion I had the utmost respect for her. She was clearly shaken up by hearing that she wasn’t selected from me. We made a plan to discuss expectations of each other at work and outside. Mutual respect can trump immediate emotions quickly when you’re focused on supporting others.

Expecting Results

Now remember, I was close with the entire team. I set up a management integration meeting to allow them to better understand the overall strategy, what I committed to for them and the organization, and what I expected around results, KPI, and communication. My way of leading a team was very different from the prior manager’s approach. I wanted everyone to know that I wanted to collaborate them as the experts they were. That meant they needed to come to each meeting, email, and encounter as the expert I knew they were.

I’ll note here that many new leaders aren’t as clear on who they are as a leader and what they want to accomplish. You may have read that last paragraph and thought, How do I say that when I have no idea what I expect?! That is OK! You have to start somewhere and getting clarity on this is a great place to begin. If this is you, I want to help. Grab this totally free workbook that can help you become an unstoppable leader and work through the obstacles big and small to make the impact you want to see.

Maintaining relationships

I did little things to build connections with everyone. Not everyone wanted the same kind of relationship and that is great. It’s natural to have some variation in each relationship and just a matter of being clear and accepting open and honest feedback.

We had weekly huddles where I came with humility asking to understand where they were and how I could support them. In our monthly one-on-one meetings I encouraged them to share not only their KPI but also how it supported their goals and aspirations. Yes, our relationships changed but that mostly meant that I could support them more because I had been their friend. Not that I had to stop engaging with them now that I’d been promoted.

The transition to boss is lonely enough

The transition to boss is lonely enough without losing every friend you have. There is new pressure, information you can’t share, a collective expectation that you’re responsible for. Any time you’re going through that type of change is when you need your friends most, not cut them off.

That being said, the dynamic that was so valuable to you before may not fit what you need. Even if they do it might not be appropriate for them to give you that council or be that sounding board anymore. This is where coaching, either one on one or in a group, can be so valuable. You get the opportunity to work through the frustrations, questions, and blockers that are holding you back from being the best version of a boss you can be.