Personal conflict is a fact of every team, you will run into it. That doesn’t mean that it has to suck all of your time and energy dealing with it. Many managers feel it is their duty to get involved in the he said, she said of team conflict and that just isn’t the case. You can build a strong team that not only got along but thrived working together toward their goals. And you can do it without getting overly involved in the personal side of the conflict. Not sure if this is possible because you’ve already told them one thousand times what to do and they still won’t work together? Read on friend, and we’ll get into it. Or, if you hate reading, click here and check out YouTube!
Getting involved in personal conflict gets you no where
This topic actually came out of a recent conversation I was having with an executive. He isn’t seeing progress toward a major initiative because of personal conflict on the team. He has two Directors that refuse to speak to each other. You would think that someone at the director level would be emotionally mature enough to be on speaking terms with all colleagues. However, these two, are way beyond that. I started out by asking a few questions.
- What have you done to date to support these employees?
- How clear were your expectations?
- What progress have you seen?
- How often does this impact the work, and the teams they lead?
- How much time are you spending now managing the personal conflict?
What he shared with me was so typical of leaders in his situation. He has talked to them both one-on-one, and together. There is no way he could have been any clearer about what he expects. They are making no progress since this started 6 months ago and regularly expect the teams to act as go betweens. This situation is costing him 3-4 hours a week between speaking with them, their teams, and HR on the matter and certainly more than that for the employees who are trying to navigate it.
I asked what he is sharing with them in those conversations that is absolutely clear. He shared that he’s told them outside issues have no place in the office, they need to find a way to work together or he’ll have to take disciplinary action. He would like to get deeper into what the issue is but neither of them will share the root of the problem.
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It can even backfire
This executive truly believed that if he just knew the problem, he could solve the issue. When I asked what he’d do with the information he said, “Well, what if it is something stupid? I can just tell them to let it go.” And when I asked if it was something legitimate, “Then I’d tell them we need to focus on the work, not the outside stuff. That will always be there.” So his solution was to be the judge of if the personal issue was a big deal and he would tell them what to do based on his decision.
Imagine you’re one of those leaders. You’re so upset about something (anything) that for 6 months you have not spoken to your peer. You’ve had multiple conversations with your boss and HR about this. It sounds like even your job could be on the line for this. If you do tell your boss what happened there are two outcomes. The best case scenario is you feel validated in digging your heels in and dig them in farther. The worst case scenario is that you feel belittled for ‘making a big deal of nothing’. Now you not only have conflict with your peer, but with your boss too.
By simply digging deeper and deeper the executive could be driving the wedge further between the employees. He could come across as taking sides or like he doesn’t care about circumstances outside of work. Worse yet, if he doesn’t do anything to correct this and let’s continue for another 6 months, he’s communicating to the rest of the team that this behavior is OK.
There is a better way to handle conflict like this.
Luckily for this exec, he can stop wasting his time talking at these employees about what he wants. He can put that time and energy into building a vision that both employees want to work toward. Now, I know, after a backstory like that this sounds a little far fetched but it is simpler than you think. You just need to show each person what is in it for them to achieve the mutual goal.
People are inherently self centered. We don’t like to think of it that way but it’s true. That is why when someone is selling you something they will always tell you what’s in it for you. You need this car so that you can look like a big shot with your friends. You need this hair dye so you look how you did when your husband fell in love with you.
When there is conflict in the team that means there is a real or perceived difference in what’s in it for me for two people. They are in competition, they see the world in a different way, they value opposing things. They are worried about the impact on them if the other person ‘wins’. But what that also means is when you create a common goal, with value to both of them, what’s in it for me, now becomes mutually beneficial. Which means you can influence the behavior by unifying them toward one goal.
This is what Angie did
Angie was a supervisor who was leading a customer service team. Two members of the team were constantly at odds. There wasn’t a root cause to point to, they just didn’t care for each other. That animosity was dragging down productivity as each of them complained to different members of the team. Angie had the brilliant idea to team people up for a bonus hour of flex time for the team that could handle the most calls in queue. She coincidentally paired the two dueling members of the team together. Initially they looked at the challenge as an hour out of the office was an hour away from each other. As they continued to work and see progress though, they started to soften toward one another.
Now, did they spend their bonus hour off work getting coffee together, absolutely not. But the exercise helped them develop a level of respect for one another that they wouldn’t have otherwise had. Where they were both leading the team in a spiral toward the bottom before, they saw that they could work together to hit a result. And having leaders who work toward mutual success is what you want, isn’t it?
What can you do with this now?
When you connect people toward a common goal, they start to see each other’s value. Even if they never did before. They get to be more effective and so do you. You get to get the project done without you wasting time playing middle man. The real value there is getting to focus on highlighting the benefit to them of working together, getting above the he said, she said to casting the vision of what you can accomplish together.
Just like Brene’ Brown says, clear is kind. Giving your team the clarity of your expectations on their efforts, outputs, and behaviors is kind. Elevating that to how it will impact them now and in the future is a gift. So then I have to ask, are you ready to cast that vision for your people? Do you want to help them see why creating a working relationship benefits them and the team as a whole? Start aligning each of their values to the common goal to help them see they’re a united front, and strengthen your own vision for what you can accomplish.