Is the One Leading You Worth Following?

We are all leaders in life. Whether you’re leading a family, leading a team at work, setting an example of behavior at the gym, in the board room, or in your church, you’re leading. That is because you have influence. Some people have more influence than others, but we all have it. We are also all influenced. Often, we don’t want to admit that but it’s true. You’re being influenced by other people all the time. Have you ever stopped to consider exactly who you’re following? Once you identify that, have you considered if they’re worth following? It’s an interesting exercise in reflection. You have to humbling admit that you’re following others, some you may not want to be, and understand why.

So, let’s start at the beginning, who are we following? Who are you connecting with, talking to, filling your mind with? What are the shows you’re watching? Who is the family member you most connect with? What are the faces you’re seeing on your social media? Very often we are spending our time with people (be it in person, through technology, or strictly watching on social) and not even doing so intentionally. We don’t realize that we’re giving great amounts of our time and mental capacity to people. Sometimes that results in a happy accident, but not always. There are people who are just flat out are not worth following, and we’re doing it any way. We’re allowing these people into our lives, minds, and hearts and they don’t deserve the space.

You know I have an example

There was a girl I knew in high school. I suppose I would have considered us friends at the time. We have seen each other maybe a handful of times in the past 15 years always coincidentally. For a time, I thought that we should reconnect, maybe we could be friends again. Then I heard from a mutual friend about some decisions she was making in her personal life that I was wholeheartedly against. These were choices that I would never want reflected in my life. That being said, I try to keep an open mind and avoid judging. After spending a silly amount of time discussing her situation and her choices, I started paying more attention to her social media. I was following her enough to know more details about her life than people I was actually friends with. From there it actually got worse. There were times that I was judging her so to combat that I would try to put myself in her shoes. I would try to get myself into her mindset to understand her choices and how she got where she was. It got to the point where I could almost get myself to agree with her point of view.

Is this time well spent on a person worth following?

Of course this was not time well spent. The time I invested into understanding her life was wasted. The effort I exerted to wrap my brain around what she did only caused me to follow her more closely. At that point I was intentionally following a person whom I just said I never wanted to behave like.

Now, this is not an indictment of her behavior, her life, or what she chose. To be honest, I could follow this with her choice was anything from cheating on her husband to cutting out dairy and the story would be the same. I was wasting my time and essentially training myself to think more like a person I didn’t want to follow all because I got caught up in someone who wasn’t worth following.

There’s got to be a better example…

I chose that example intentionally. Because it is first and foremost true, and secondly because I think many of us do this almost daily. We spend time worrying about or just thinking about celebrities or exes or acquaintances that isn’t really worth our time. When we do, we are teaching ourselves to follow them.

I’ll give you another one that may feel a little more impactful.

This time let’s look at an example where I was intentionally following someone. Later I found out I still fell into the same trap. A while back at work there was a new leader who was full of charisma. I mean, he could have led the teams into a blazing building and we would have all willingly followed. At first he had me hook, line, and sinker. I would quote him in meetings and challenge team members to think more like him.

Then I started seeing some misalignment in what he was saying and his actions. He would praise performance in public and then separately pull those same people he was praising apart. I would see him encourage thinking outside the box and speaking freely with leaders. Then when he was respectfully challenged, it was a clear black mark on the person’s record. This was frustrating and disappointing. Just like with that girl from high school, I tried to reconcile it in my mind. How could I get myself in his shoes? What was I missing to understand why he would act this way and how could he still be in the right??

It didn’t matter for high school, and it doesn’t matter here.

Again, I found myself in a situation where I’m following someone, or at least behavior, that I don’t want to be or do. There is no real reason to spend the time to figure this out. He isn’t doing things I want to follow, it doesn’t really matter why or how he got there. I can release myself from trying to understand him and focus on what I do want. His behavior highlighted for me my value on talking the talk and walking the walk. I could hold up that mirror to see my own blind spots. The same is true of that old high school friend too. Rather than trying to get into her head, my time is better spent reaffirming my own choices and making sure I’m acting in congruence with them.

How do you determine if you’re following the right person?

The lesson here is, it’s a continuous process but spend more time on the behavior than on the person. People are imperfect and will never meet all of the expectations. That is true at work or in their personal lives. Your time will be better spent understanding the behaviors you want to follow rather than the full leader. To know if the values the behaviors are ones you want to follow take two steps.

Understand your values

Knowing yourself is the best way to determine who or what to follow. Make a list of what you value most at home, at work, in health, in faith, etc. If you’re not sure, now is a great time to do a little journalling or reflecting to understand what is most important to you. Get specific too. If I see one more list that says ‘family’ at the top all proudly it will be too many. Is it quiet time with your spouse? Do you value hiking with your kids? Is independence a priority or time together? Same thing at work too. You don’t value ‘success.’ Be specific and define that too.

Reflect, but not for too long

I don’t want you stopping reading this thinking, Kelly said don’t reflect, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I do want you to reflect on the leaders you’re following and on their behaviors. Reflect just long enough to determine if continuing thinking about them is serving you. If you’re growing and developing further into those specific values you identified, great. If you’re just judging or trying to reconcile behaviors you don’t agree with, you’ve passed the tipping point.

Are you the person someone that is worth following?

I don’t have much to say on this. The answer is, if you act with integrity, yes. You don’t have to be a perfect person to be the best person to follow, you just have to be in alignment with what you say and do. One last note on that, if others are following you and reflecting on your behaviors, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You might be the right leader for them in one aspect of their lives or for a certain season, and that is great. You don’t have to be everything to everyone, but that’s a story for another time.