What do you ‘get to’ do? That can be a really hard question. Especially when everything around you seems so tough, and, required. When you’re treading water and it feels as though everyone is pushing their agenda on you. You may feel like from Monday to Friday you have to go to work, you have to get dinner and dishes done, you have to run the kids here and finish errands there. Heck, you might have read that and thought, You think that’s just Monday through Friday? Wouldn’t that be nice. I know, I know there are a lot of things on the plate. They all feel like you have to get them done. This post, this one, is about telling you that you don’t have to. You don’t have to do, dare I say, any of them.
While going through the exercise in this post I want you to channel your inner toddler. The version of you that asked why to literally every statement. The version of you that that said, nu uh. Then followed by and incredibly literal argument of whatever it was the other person just said. You know that version. Depending on your stage of life, you might be living with a mirror image of that version of you right now.
The heavy adult things we have to do
Now I’m sure there are a few people that have struggled to even get this far. It seems very counterintuitive to draw on that argumentative toddler version of yourself to cope through the hard things and get them done. It’s about reframing your hard things. Let that little questioning person you once were to lead the way in thinking about things differently.
Kids this age assume nothing. They connect very little in cause and effect. The kids are pushing to better understand the world and framing their view of the world based on what answers they get. You did the same thing, but somewhere along the way, your have to do’s led you to believe the things you were choosing were required. That is the part I want to flip for you. Not that you change what you’re doing necessarily but change your belief that all of the things you’ve chosen are, in fact, required.
The big wide world of summer sports
I am getting to the stage in life where my kids are wanting to play sports. They also inherited some pretty athletic genes (from their father, not from me). People are asking them to play more and be on more teams. We are taking a very mindful approach to how deep we get into sports with three kids so that we’re still enjoying a balanced summer. There is a gamut of parents and families taking different approaches. Some families are all in. They play baseball or softball (I know there is a wide variety of summer sports, but these are the popular ones here) every weekend and practicing multiple nights a week. Other’s hold back playing with a league one or two days a week. Still others, I know because I was one of them, play nothing organized and a day or two a month play a pick-up game as a family or with some friends. It doesn’t seem to matter who I talk to and to what degree their invested, I hear well we have to _______ go here, try out there, get this in, on and on and on.
There are a multitude of have to’s that play into it
People will say it about themselves and the time their putting in. I have to take Katie to this field, then that tournament. She has to be to practice by 4:45 for this team then turn around and be to a field across town by 6:50 for another one. People will also say it about the future when they haven’t even committed yet. I will have to get Johnny into the advanced team next year. We’ll have to work really hard but he just can’t stay in this league. The worst one I hear though is when people use a have to on someone else. Well, you’ll have to let him try out. If they have the talent you have to give them the opportunity.
This is when you bring out the 4-year-old and simply as yourself, or others, why? Why do you have to have two practices in a night? Why do you have to push kids in a tougher league? Is there a reason why you think I have to have my kid try for something I or they aren’t ready for?
No judgement, go ahead and say yes to it all!
None of this is a judgement on saying yes to any or all of those things. You want to do two, three, or even four practices in a day? Go nuts. You want your kid to play in all the elite leagues and teams? Put in the work and go for it! You have an opinion on the benefit of my kid going for a specific sport or team or whatever? Let me in on what you’re thinking because we haven’t been through it before. All I’m saying is, you don’t have to do any of it, and if you are, that is a choice to own.
Owning the choice you’re making and understanding that it was something you elected to do, makes all the difference in the amount of stress you feel around it. Having just that feeling of control, because you made the choice, supports you feeling more confident and in control each time you take action. So, what does that mean, it means because you start saying and believing, we put johnny in All Stars because it will be the biggest challenge for him, especially with all of the practices. Then when you get to your first week of two-a-day practice you don’t have to go, you get to take the action of practice that supports your value of challenging your kid’s skills and abilities.
I’m still stressed. What’s next?
Changing your mindset is the biggest piece. If you think you’ve done it in a single day or week, try again. Keep your practice up and pay attention for when you tell your friends, co-workers, or kids that you have to do something. You’ll be shocked how often it falls out of your mouth without you even being aware of it.
So you’ve changed your mindset around what you’re doing. You are well on your way friend. Here are a few more steps as you continue down this path.
Align your actions and values
When we shift our attention to what we choose, we gain clarity on what truly matters to us. This one will change almost automatically with your mindset shift to choice. As you focus on your own choice you can assess whether your actions align with your values. Make intentional decisions that support our goals and aspirations. This alignment brings a sense of purpose and fulfillment, reducing stress caused by dissonance between our actions and our core beliefs.
Cultivate Mindfulness and Presence
Focusing on what you choose encourages mindfulness and presence in the present moment. When you approach tasks with intention and awareness, you can fully engage with the experience, leading to greater satisfaction and reduced stress. Think of it this way, if you don’t have to be at the tournament all day but instead chose to be (to support whatever value you have aligned with) you give yourself permission to enjoy it and be fully there and think less about what you’re not doing (ie, laundry, emails, dishes, etc) Being mindful also allows you to appreciate the journey rather than being solely fixated on the end result. For example, if your focused on the value of hard work and perseverance, placing in that tournament becomes icing on the cake, rather than the only reason you’re there.
Let go of perfectionism
When we focus on what we have to do, we often fall into the trap of perfectionism. I really can’t stress this one enough and whole posts dedicated to letting go of perfectionism. We strive for flawless execution and become overly critical of ourselves. With this little league theme I’m sticking to here, there is the added level of passing on whatever your focus is to your kiddos too. However, by emphasizing what we choose, we can let go of perfectionism (and teach our kids how to too) and embrace progress over perfection. This shift reduces stress and allows us to enjoy the process rather than being solely focused on the outcome.
But what about the things you really do have to do?
I’ve heard it all before when I teach stress management. When I start with something people feel pressure to do but ultimately understand is optional, like kid’s extracurriculars, they push back saying this only works if you don’t have to do it. The strategy only works because you do have the option of not doing it.
So, I’m going to end this with a challenge to you. Click here to get the PDF framework to walk you through this exercise. If you believe that the above strategies only work on certain optional things, I want you to insert any of what you see as not optional. Choose something you believe you have to do, that causes you stress, and consider, what if you didn’t? What if you didn’t go to work today? What if you didn’t feed the kids? Or what if you didn’t do the laundry? What if you didn’t call that friend? For any scenario you pick you have to follow it with a way it would all work out in the end. Even for things that feel like they’re required, you have a choice. You have options. Once you embrace that, even if you still say yes to all the things, you’ll feel more confident and empowered to be present in all you choose to do.