I’ve seen it happen 1,000 times, and most likely, you have too. A woman gets into a situation where she could just be a force. She could make changes, get things done, and be strong and confident in a role, position, etc. Instead, she decides to make herself smaller. She doesn’t want to be measured against others for the position. Maybe she doesn’t want to look like ‘too much’ with all of her ideas and overpower anyone else’s. Essentially, she doesn’t want to compete.
Now, we’ve all seen it but, we’ve probably all been there to some extent too. You have a great idea on how to change things up and make things run better at work, but Suzie will push back so you don’t bring it up. Or you’re excited to run for President of the committee only to find out that a friend of yours is doing the same, so you pull out of the race. Worse yet, you stay in and give it a half-hearted effort. There can be a terribly uncomfortable feeling that comes with competition for women, and so to varying degrees, we pull back from it.
What makes women not want to compete?
There are a variety of reasons women will shy away from competition. Not the least of which is a beautifully designed biological need for cooperation that women excel at. Further than that, there are cultural and societal norms that are forced on women that say it isn’t ladylike, nice, or appropriate for women to want to compete. Based on that there is less representation showing women and girls how rewarding and beneficial (for everyone) competition can be. Tag on a fear of failure or worse yet, people seeing you fail, and that really rounds out what you’d see in most Google searches, articles, or podcasts.
These are the basics I’d say. All true and honest reasons there is less drive to compete for women, however, a pretty critical one is missing. Fear that a win wasn’t earned.
The fishing example
I come from a long line of people who love to fish. My dad, his dad, and his dad, all great fishermen who loved to get out on the water or ice whenever they were able. My dad does all kinds of fishing from hanging out at the edge of the creek for trout, to spending the day on a local lake, to trolling lake Michigan, to extended vacations in Canada to do nothing but fish.
You might think I’m making a men vs women statement here but I’m not. My mom is on the boat or on the ice for all these same excursions. As kids, my sister and I used to go with them. I remember having fun fishing on the lakes by our house and wanting to go out on the ice. I used to love going to one specific Secret Lake. There was even a trip to Canada, a two weeklong trip, where my sister and I did some fishing too.
Fast forward to today. I don’t fish at all. I have nothing against fishing. But I have absolutely no desire to do it. My husband and three boys could live in a boat, I think. They have dreams of doing one of those winter vacations where you sleep in the ice shanty, no thank you. My parents are still fishing close to every week. My mother-in-law will get in the boat anytime you ask. The kids and husband would get on the lake every weekend. But I have no interest anymore. Did I get fished out? Did it start to feel like a boy’s world as I got older? Was it too competitive and I couldn’t keep up? Nope, people started handing me the pole.
They handed me the pole
When you’re fishing you have your own pole. You bait, cast, reel, all the things, from your pole. When you get a bite, you set the hook and reel it in. Pretty simple right? Until people start setting the hook and trying to hand you their pole to reel it in. Then they congratulate you and take pictures with you as if you caught the fish. If you fish, or have watched people fish, with kids you’ve undoubtedly done this or seen this. It makes sense, feeling the fight of the fish and reeling it in is the fun part. If you want to keep kids interested, you want them to do the fun part. It’s also artificial.
As you get older you start to see through the facade and realize you didn’t catch the fish. It is patronizing to have everyone circle around you because you reeled in your dad’s, mom’s, friend’s fish. I got to the point that I was embarrassed to reel it in and was perceived as being a brat if I didn’t take the pole, so I opted out of fishing all together. It wasn’t because I didn’t like fishing, it was because I felt like a charity case with an artificial win.
The unspoken reason women don’t want to compete
Maybe you aren’t into fishing or never were, but I’d bet there has been an example of handing you the pole that you do recall. An example where you were perfectly happy to compete with those around you or yourself until those around you decided to help. Unfortunately, that help felt more like a handout that you weren’t interested in taking. If you’re going to compete and win you want it to be because you were capable of winning, right? Not because someone did the work and then stood back and clapped. We know when it’s an artificial win, and we don’t want it.
Women don’t want to be called mom of the year for doing the basics. We don’t want the promotion based on balancing men and women in leadership. We don’t want the credit for the project, improvement, plan, etc unless we were truly instrumental in getting it done. Women are also sensitive to the perception of not having earned the win. The most common one we all hear, she got that based on her _______. Insert pretty face, short skirt, hair toss, any other attribute that seems an easy road to the next step. Even though those typically aren’t true, the perception is out there and mortifying.
So we simply opt out
On many things we simply stop competing because the risk of looking like we’re just reeling in the fish is too great. The fear of getting excited and accepting the claps only to realize it was never really you is too much to even want to get in the boat.
Funny thing though, I couldn’t find this reason women don’t compete in a Google search. I’ve never heard someone phrase it this way. Typically, this kind of example would be skewed as a fear of failure. While fear of failure definitely is a reason people don’t get in the game and want to compete, this one doesn’t fall in that category. The only antidote for the artificial win is to fail. To go up against someone, including yourself, who is also trying their best to win too. You’ll fail, sure, but sometimes you’ll also win. Reeling in that fish is a heck of a lot more satisfying.