Have you ever felt like that one coworker of yours is just trying to make life hard? They don’t respond to your emails. They don’t get their share of the work done on time. When it’s all hands-on deck they somehow seem to have other things to do. While you’re trying to come up with the best solution, they’re over there pushing back on each and every idea you bring forward. It can be unbelievably frustrating and we’re confident they are either just that ineffective or their doing it intentionally. Today we’ll talk through a classic example and the details of one client and how you can avoid falling into the trap in the future. If you want to hear a cringe worthy example from my own career click here for the YouTube video where I share an early story of addressing conflict.
Addressing conflict with Chris and Trina
My client Chris was referred to me as he was trying to develop better influence with his teams. While he wasn’t a formal people leader, he was frequently required to lead project teams that involved several departments. Chris took a pretty masculine approach to leadership with his dominant attribute of Accountability. (Click here to find your dominant leadership attribute) We were working together to round out his approach when he was assigned a new project that would require him to build more Connection, so it was the perfect opportunity to take action.
It didn’t start on the right foot
Chis was working with about 10 teammates to roll out a new process and software. He had his project plan, target dates, and he knew exactly how he wanted each aspect handled. While he’d worked with many on the team previously, this was his first time working with Trina, though he’d heard she was sort of lazy. In the first meeting Chris led the team through the plan and each experienced member agreed they’d have their portion completed by the due date he gave. When it came to Trina, she stammered through what needed to be done by the due date. She noted that she’d need to look at what all needed to be done before she committed. Irritated, Chris agreed she could let him know later if she needed more time.
The next time I met with Chris he was frantic. Trina still hadn’t committed. She just said there was a lot to do. Trina hadn’t showed him her work. She hadn’t shared a date she’d be complete or even told him a percentage of progress. She really was as lazy as everyone said. Or, maybe she was just lying that she even knew how to do this work. Chris had started meeting with the rest of the team, excluding Trina, to game plan how they’d do Trina’s portion of the work when she didn’t deliver. At this point Chris had no intention of using whatever 1/2 developed work she provided. He was leading the team that would save the day despite how ineffective Trina was.
Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com
Chris looking for his gold star
In our meeting Chris was looking for ways to communicate the win (see this post for help with that) of tackling the extra work. Instead, I held up a mirror for him. In this situation, was he addressing the conflict or was he avoiding it? Had he leaned into Connection or was he exclusively expecting Accountability to win out? Was he truly influencing his team or just taking the easy way out? Had he even requested any of the materials or information that he was expecting to have gotten? I can applaud a plan B, but did he fully execute plan A?
Would they be addressing conflict if Trina was in the In-group?
As you can see, I had more than a couple of questions for Chris. (Keep in mind that he had approached our call expecting a gold star and coaching on articulating the win.) The biggest challenge I issued him was to determine if he would have even had this conflict if Trina were part of the existing group.
We have a natural bias, all of us, to assume the best of people like us. We’re trying our best, doing everything we can, and are right until something very clear and objective says we made a mistake. Then it’s just that, a mistake. In contrast, they, are the outside group. They are probably lazy or are trying to cause problems. If only they wanted to work like we do. They are wrong, until something clear and objective proves them right and even then, it’s luck.
What does your mirror show on addressing conflict?
Maybe you don’t have a coach that can help hold up your mirror. If not, hold one up for yourself. For those people who just always seem to be causing a conflict, not responding, not giving you what you need, ask yourself:
- Did I adapt my style to fit them? Am I solely relying on my dominant attribute?
- Have I actually asked for what I need? Am I assuming they understand what it takes to get there?
- Would I have handled this the same way with someone I care about and respect?
That last question is a doozy. Here is how I address conflict with team members that I haven’t liked or respected. I think of someone with a similar style to theirs that I do like, I do respect, and is in my in-group. When I put all of my communications through that filter, I’m better equipped to meet them where they’re at and get the best result. You may never come eye to eye with the Trina’s of the world. The point is not to like everyone but to stop putting your energy into that conflict and instead put it into the work and efforts that energize you.